Vanity….it’s all vanity….
I grew up being taught scripture as my mother was a devout Christian who loved everyone, was giving and kind and made us children sit every night together and listen as she read the Bible. It was drilled in our minds the scripture, about persevering through the suffers of life, to avoid pride and vanity…..yet one of the last things she said to me before she died was how beautiful I was. I will never forget those last days, watching her leave this world slowly. I was torn and angry, furious that she had to suffer like this. She kept looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes, starring as if in awe and kept telling me how beautiful I was. I would look down and smile and slowly shake my head in amazement that such a beautiful woman herself who taught me beauty was failing, found my beauty to be one of the things she loved the most about me. Her words she had once said to me played back in my mind: “You were my breath of fresh air, my only daughter. I am so thankful you have never let your beauty get to your head. Stay kind, stay sweet.”
It was tradition to wake up and know that sometime during my day, my mother would call me, that we would talk about our troubles in life. Every. single. day. No matter where I lived in the world, we remained best friends. I stayed by her side, faithful throughout a hard life, through her divorce from my father and into a remarriage with a man that had a lot of maturing to do in the beginning years of their marriage. I was there and we grew and remained close and faithful. Losing my best friend left me literally alone. I found myself sitting alone, in my car, in my driveway, just got off work, and I couldn’t call my mom….. It was unavoidable having a part of me die with her. There was no way around that. I had to learn to live without her guidance. I am still learning–and I will never stop learning. I finally needed to do what she had always urged me to do….seek God.
Until I get the hang of that, I’ll be metaphorically sitting atop this hill, looking out, dreaming of the day I see my mother again.